The Enigma that is Parenting

I recently came across an article that listed ten common parenting mistakes. It got me thinking about my own parenting skills, or lack thereof. The insecurity about parenting likely stemmed from my biases that were challenged by that article.

I think parenting is made out to be harder than it actually is or should be. The point I’m really trying to make is this: in parenting misperceptions abound.

The so called mistakes simply reflect the struggle that exists within all of us as human beings, compounded by the fact that we as parents are liable to err. The conflict arises when we attempt to assure a fool proof successful future for our children. Because the alternative, that is a presumably unsuccessful future for the child, is simply unacceptable to us. But what is success really? Isn’t it a perception, or contrarily a misperception? For instance, many times I have been successful only to realize that in that success I’m unhappy, so it’s really a failure. Conversely, many times I have failed at something, only to realize what a resounding success that failure was, even if in hindsight. Therefore, success is really failure redefined.

Failing to realize that the gauge for success is more dependent on the individual than society is as much to blame as is the assumption that success is only when one has a stable lucrative career. I think advanced capitalism that we are subjected to and then in turn push on our kids generates that kind of linear narrative fallacy and consequently misguided parenting. It is important to recognize that the continuum of good grades =better college prospects = lucrative careers = happiness, is merely a ‘feel good’ situation for us, not so much for our child.

We are overly protective as parents. In this volatile and unpredictable world of ours where at times one is unsure what might happen the next moment (and you don't only have to be in Karachi to say that), another misperception is that we can control our kids' lives by dictating to them what they will be happy doing. How many times are we clear about the source of our own happiness, let alone our kids?

The above are a few random rambling reflections. Don’t ask me for evidence for the feelings that I have documented above. As my own kids are too young, the only informed opinion I can give you is based on the teenagers and adolescents that I was seeing as patients in the ER while I worked in the Unites States. They were presenting with headaches and neck strain or chest pain or menstrual irregularities; vague abdominal pain and other gastric symptoms were frequent complaints too. The parents would go doctor and ER shopping, and tended to get all sorts of unnecessary testing done – in the end both parents and children were equally frustrated with nothing being revealed in the tests; so no surprise that the symptoms didn’t simply pack up and vanish. Then there were those young individuals who made poor choices by abusing drugs, having unprotected sex, and so on. Contrary to popular belief those kids were not all Caucasians, Hispanics and Blacks – there were kids from South Asian immigrant families too. Most were from stable households with good parents. They were good students with quite a few high achieving ones. I think many I was seeing in the ER were simply unable to absorb the unrealistic pressures of the daily grind. 

Even if the presumptive increased numbers of anguished children being seen in the ERs of the world is anecdotal, the anxiety that they manifest is real. I think it's the parental and societal pressure cooker at play. So how does one address the above scenario? It’s important to acknowledge that we, as parents, are fallible, and that we might not always know what’s in our child’s best interests. If we accept that then it’s easier on us and the child. Then taking parenting as both an art and a science, perhaps tailoring it per what our child is saying or doing might be a logical next step. Identifying my child’s interests and working with those might lead to more sustainable parenting and happiness for both me and my child. And in terms of inculcating adaptability in my child, the instruction might be that it’s not really the shit in your life but how you deal with that shit that defines you. 

A few days back a friend forwarded an article that appeared in the New York Times with the title “Is the world more depressed?” Perhaps it is. Based on my work in the U.S. where I was seeing sexually and physically abused kids and teenagers fairly often, it was depressing enough. I am neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist. I am a pediatrician and an ER physician. I am also an empirical biomedical scientist. But above all I am a parent. As such, I would like to be aligned with my child so that my child can parent me when and if needed, because I think parenting is a two way street. As a parent I find my child’s happiness to be paramount. Hence, I propose that the next installment of the NYT should be “Is the world happier?” The naysayers will argue that gauging happiness is not scientific whereas gauging depression is. I will say that you have to be a parent really attuned to your child and you will transcend that potential discussion or debate.

[from Mixed Bag]

Acknowledgment: This article was first published by the Express Tribune Newspaper.